Cross-posted with permission from sammieb1980 wordpress.com
The one thing domestic abuse leaves behind is guilt, and if we allow it, it will eat away at us.
I can’t begin to image what pain my parents must have felt as they watched me suffer for three years at the hands of my deceased perpetrator. Looking back, I can quiet clearly see they were trying so hard to reach out and help me, bring me back to where I once belonged, where I was loved and safe. But let’s face it, as a victim, all you can see and feel is your perpetrator because they isolate and manipulate us to feel that way.
Being brainwashed into believing that our perpetrators do love us, care for us and want us, we don’t see they ones who really do love us because we don’t see love, let alone feel it, in a completely different way. Fear, abuse and ridicule seems to become love and what we think we are worth because we have been made to think that way.
The reality is, we shouldn’t feel guilty at all because we haven’t done anything wrong and neither should our friends and family.
It must be difficult to stand by and see a loved one suffer, not knowing what to do or what not to do.
- Listen and don’t judge
- Believe them but don’t tell them what to do
- Support them in writing a statement and go with them to the Police station
- Encourage them to record and report any communication from their perpetrator
- Be patient. It takes time to admit to yourself, let alone to others that you are a victim
- Talk about him/her joining a support group or browse the web for online support
- Be there for them, a victim will find it financially difficult to leave and often have nowhere else to stay
- Focus on helping build their self-confidence and esteem
- Tell them it’s not their fault
- Don’t be direct but be friendly
- Acknowledge his/her strengths and tell them how you know how difficult it is
- Give lots of reassurance
- Make sure he/she knows they aren’t alone, they don’t have to be alone
- Support their choices but make sure they know, you will always be there for them, no matter what
- Help them draw up a safety plan
- Remember, you can’t do this for them but you can be with them every step of the way
- Don’t make them choose between you or their perpetrator
- Give them the confidence to trust in you, don’t tell them what to do
- Allow them to make up their own mind
- Research domestic abuse, try to understand the cycle
- Listen and be supportive
Sometimes as parents we might feel we can’t do as much as we want to, you might think there is nothing to support your son or daughter who might be a victim, but you can. They need your love more than ever now.
Family and friends might end up “taking sides” but it’s important to understand, a victim never asks to be abused but a perpetrator chooses to abuse. It’s not a private issue, it’s important to learn it’s not love, it’s not acceptable and no one deserves to be a victim. Domestic abuse is a complex cycle that affects everyone.
A survivor will need your love to survive and thrive, the two things their perpetrator will tell them they can’t do, without them.
Footnote: If you are in an abusive relationship and requires an urgent response or needs in-depth support please contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, the Men’s Advice Helpline on 0808 801 0327 or The National LGBT Helpline(Broken Rainbow) on 0300 999 5428.
You could also find support organisations using our ONLINE DIRECTORY
About Sam Billingham
Sam is an Independent advocate for all victims and survivors of domestic abuse.
Website: www.sodahq.uk
Twitter: https://twitter.com/sammieb1980
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