WHEN LOVE TURNS INTO FEAR

Cross-posted with permission from sammieb1980 wordpress.com

[prisna-google-website-translator]

When Love Turns Into Fear

There was certainly an attraction when our eyes met across the crowded room.  It was a Friday night and I was in my local after a long week at work.  The music was loud, the pub was heaving but friendly.

I liked the look of him straightaway but never thought anything would happen between us.

I guess I was flattered but quite clearly and distinctively I can remember someone saying, do you know what you are doing and to be careful.  Well it was a Friday night and in all honesty, I didn’t worry too much about what he had said, however, looking back now there were signs, I guess.

There are certain little things that stick in my mind such as someone saying, what have you done to yourself, and I guess at that point in the relationship I no longer cared about my appearance but in a weird way I just expected to still look the same way as I did before domestic abuse.  But those words, what have you done to yourself actually makes it feel as though you actually set out to destroy yourself.  However, this particular comment made me feel guilty for not taking care of myself, although in an abusive relationship, the victim doesn’t exist, just brainwashed into being something the perpetrator wants.

I also think it got to the point during the relationship where I couldn’t decipher the difference between being in love or being frightened.  In reality you would think it would be easy to tell the difference, domestic abuse makes it so much more difficult.

When you first meet your perpetrator, you don’t know that they are and you do love them.  Mixed emotions and not actually understanding the cycle makes things difficult.

I did love him but was also afraid of him too.  You feel as if you are living in the middle of a minefield, one wrong turn could mean a very explosive ending.

I fear this is where it becomes increasingly dangerous for young people making them vulnerable and not being able to tell the difference between love and fear.

In many abusive relationships, victims misinterpret control for care and are manipulated into thinking the perpetrator does love them.  Isolation is seen as the perpetrator wanting to spend quality time with the victim, when in reality it is the green light to abuse with no interference or interruption from others.

Vulnerable young people will simply accept this behaviour as normal behaviour it’s so easily disguised and covered up.

Early warning signs are completely missed and confused with care, giving the perpetrator exactly what they want, power and control.

Teaching young people about healthy and unhealthy relationships is very important in order to keep them safe.

Those butterflies quickly turn into anticipation when you hear the key in the door.

We should be finding a method to raise awareness and support out next generation.  I believe if there had been more awareness and education, I would have left the relationship so much sooner.  Instead, I accepted the fact that this was normal and happened in all relationships.  I feel we can’t understand this repetitive crime and attitudes must change.

Footnote: If you are in an abusive relationship and requires an urgent response or needs in-depth support please contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, the Men’s Advice Helpline on 0808 801 0327 or The National LGBT Helpline(Broken Rainbow) on 0300 999 5428.

You could also find support organisations using our ONLINE DIRECTORY

About  Sam Billingham

Sam is an Independent advocate for all victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

Blog: www.sammieb1980.wordpress.com

Website: www.survivorsofdomesticabuse.co.uk

Twitter: https://twitter.com/sammieb1980